ASK DR. BAUGHAN                                             June 25, 1999

WHY IS GRANDMA SO ANGRY?

We all want to age gracefully.  We also want an innocent childhood, an adventurous youth, and a successful mid-life.  It doesn’t always work out that way.  Instead of the Golden Years, some people have the Creaky and Cranky Years.  It is one thing to make a death bed visit and exhort a dying parent to “Not go gentle into that good night, Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” as Dylan Thomas wrote.  It is another thing to live with one or two decades of “Bitch, bitch about the fading of the hearing.”  The most affectionate and devoted of children and grandchildren can be extremely frustrated and discouraged and even alienated when communication with an elder is consistently riddled with complaints, arguments, accusations and anger.  Is there any way to maintain affection and goodwill when Crochety turns Nasty?

Even in severe Dementia Units in nursing homes, there can be less anger and anxiety and turmoil if the people dealing with an elder remember the two components to communication, Information and Emotion, and pay attention to both.  First, Information.  Is the information getting through and being retained?  There is an old truism that people who lose their hearing get paranoid, and people who lose their sight get depressed.  Are the senses declining?  Will hearing aids help?  Is a more expensive hearing aid needed to work better, avoid static, or avoid social embarrassment?  Are cataracts limiting sight?  Most older people need more light to see as well as they used to.  Whenever safe, boost the wattage in light bulbs.  If memory of spoken information is being lost, write things down, IN BIG LETTERS.  Post reminders prominently.  Label drawers.  Use your imagination in helping  aging parents retain their personal organization.  Anticipate repetitive problems (misplacing things, forgetting things) and keep one step ahead if necessary.

The emotional content of communication, though, is what causes ill will.  Become conscious and deliberate in the expression of your feelings and acknowledge the other person’s.  Whenever a conversation degenerates to “Yes you did” - “No I didn’t” - the people involved are no longer talking about information, they are talking about the emotional tug of war and power struggle that goes with “I’m right” - “No, you’re not. I’m right.”  Change the playing field from information to emotion by a statement such as, “Well, we disagree.” Or “I guess we remember differently.”  Then deal with further volleys on the emotional level.  Never try to talk someone out of the way they are feeling - “Don’t get mad at me.  Let’ be nice.”  Instead, reflect what emotion you perceive back to them - “You sound frustrated and angry.”  When someone understands our feelings, that feels good.  If the response you get is, “I’m NOT ANGRY!” don’t degenerate back to “Yes-you-are-No-I’m-not.”  Try “Oh, you sounded angry to me.  What are you feeling?”  Having someone inquire about our feelings feels good, too.

Do not take insults from anyone, even an aging parent.  If the emotional communication is nasty, label your feelings and protect yourself with distance.  “It hurts and is upsetting when you say that to me.  I do not want to talk with you anymore right now.”  “Time-outs” work for all ages, not just children.

Create times to communicate affection.  Take your parent to lunch, give them a back rub or foot rub, hold their hand, give them a card, flowers, or a little present.  Don’t just rely on verbal communication.  Respond immediately and positively when there is good communication - “I love it when we have times like this.”

Getting old is not for sissies.  Seniors are struggling with loss of strength, senses, pain, memory and sometimes with their minds.  Depression is more common in the elderly than any other age bracket and is treatable.  Understanding the difficulties they face can help maintain empathy.  Remember that you are no longer their little child, even if they treat you that way.  They need you to be mature and skillful in communication with them, on both the information and emotional levels of human contact.  Life will never be a continuous string of Hallmark Moments, but you may be able to create more of them.