ASK DR. WHO April 1, 1999
THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF TOBACCO
Just when the beleaguered tobacco industry seemed to be cornered on all sides by the legal and health professions, there is published in the April edition of the Journal of Predetermined Results an article that may revolutionize the scientific and public perceptions of cigarette smoking. Entitled, “The Psychological and Social Advantages of Inhaling American Tobacco Smoke,” by R.U. Gullible, M.D., and N.O. Principles, M.P.H., the article presents several bold propositions supported by reams of fictitious statistics. A brief summary of the points in their fascinating article follows:
1.Stress Management: The authors note that most smokers find smoking an effective stress reduction device. To quote, “25 million Americans can’t be wrong!” They describe our fast-paced culture that places unrealistic demands on time and personal resources. People need all the help that they can get. Cigarettes are universally available at the nearest convenience store. As a medicine, they come in convenient dose packets that you can carry with you. Even if you need to dose yourself 20 - 40 times a day, you can. The expense has gone up, but it is still cheaper than psychotherapy on a day-to-day basis, and it is unrealistic to expect anyone to look beyond that in today’s world. You never know what tomorrow may bring. Other than a little discomfort in early adolescence, smoking requires little effort or training, unlike other stress management techniques. Finally, stopping smoking is very stressful, and the last thing most people in stress want is more stress, so they should just continue. Every medicine has side effects or risks, so cancer, emphysema, and heart disease should be put in that perspective.
2. Boredom: Our culture has created a certain passivity in our citizens. We expect stimulation, diversion and entertainment to be presented to us. Unfortunately, there are not enough interesting things to do in life. There are not enough problems that need our intelligence, skills and caring to occupy our time. There are just not enough good TV shows. Therefore, boredom is a real problem. Many people find smoking a good diversion from boredom. If they did not smoke, they might get in trouble. So smoke!
3. Social Isolation: Drs. Gullible and Principles expressed sympathy for the difficulty most people have in making social connections in this world that makes so much demands on our work times. One real dilemma, though, they say, is that most people are ugly and smell bad. Therefore, if more people would go to bars and get their perceptions altered by alcohol, and fill the room with smoke, they would not be able to see how ugly most people are nor smell how bad they stink. So smoking can help people’s social lives.
4. Population Management: It is a well know fact that the population is aging. Soon there will be so many old fogeys around that the younger working population will be strapped with paying for Medicare. It is not fair, and no one is willing to tackle this looming crisis. Dr. Principles makes the public health argument that we have undermined our economic viability by extending life expectancy as much as we have. Smoking can help reduce life expectancy by 10 years or more, thereby preserving our way of life. Heart disease and cancer usually cause death fairly quickly. Researchers in the tobacco industry are busily trying to determine how to manipulate their product so they are more effective in causing cancer and immediately fatal heart attacks, so that there is less risk of lingering from emphysema, which can take more than 10 years to cause death and cause considerable social expense. Smoking is the only solution to the population crisis. War kills the young, but smoking selects out the middle-aged or elderly, and so should be encouraged.
Dr. Who practices malpractice somewhere between the Twilight Zone and the Outer Limits. He answers questions from voices in head every April.