ASK DR. BAUGHAN                                             November 26, 1999

THE COLORS OF GRIEF

I have been asked to present a series of columns addressing grief.  This time of year our culture emphasizes happiness and merriment, but many people cannot feel those good, bubbly emotions because they are acutely, deeply aware of personal losses that create a great rent in the brightly colored holiday fabric.  Human beings create many words for things they like, need or use frequently.  Supposedly Eskimos have over thirty words describing different shades of white, and Navajos have about that many for fine distinctions of earth tones.  But for subjects that are uncomfortable, we may have a paucity of words, even if there are important differences between experiences.  Such is the case with grief.  We use the same word for many different losses.  Different losses will have different emotional intensity, duration, associated emotions, and consequences for present and future plans and behavior.  Yet we use the same phrase, “They are grieving,” and we often have the same expectation for the many different types of grief - the person will feel sad for a period (preferably only a couple of months) and then will “get over it” (whatever that means - usually, act like they used to).  We do not teach our children how to grieve at all, much less teach them the different processes of grieving for different losses.  Health professionals usually behave just as clueless as anyone else when their families, friends or colleagues are involved.

The following list of grieving situations can start to give a sense of the spectrum of emotions we must consider if we ever hope to understand and heal our own grief or that of someone we care about.

1.     Death of a pet - This grieving process varies enormously according to the age of the person and the type of pet.  We grieve for hamsters differently than dogs.  To a young child or to an elderly person with no other companions, the death of a pet can be more emotionally devastating than the death of a person.

2.     Loss of a friend - Whether the friend moves, dies or the friendship ends, there are different shades of grief for each instance.

3.     Death of an older relative - This is the most “acceptable” grief.  Old people are expected to die.  We can say, “It was their time,” if they had time.

4.     Death of a parent - This process can be as different as there are differences in parent-child relationships.  One key difference between the loss of a friend compared to a parent is the difference between, “It could have been me that died,” and “It will be me that dies in the coming generation.”

5.     Death of a sibling - This is associated almost universally with the survivor guilt of “What wasn’t it me that died?” or even “It should have been me.”

6.     Divorce - Even if the marriage was unhappy, there is a loss of identity that is still significant for many.

7.     Death of a spouse - This is also strongly influenced by the duration of the relationship.  Studies have documented the effects on the surviving husband’s immune system.  Men whose wives died from breast cancer have a much higher risk of death themselves in the year after their spouse’s death.  Certain of their white blood cells simply will not attack infections as well.

8.     Death of a child - The grief that has no name.  Not widow.  Not orphan.  No name.  The loss that “is not supposed to happen.” 

9.     Death of a personality - A creation on a large scale of the twentieth century that we are still agonizing over is how to cope with the brain injured or demented when the body still functions, but the personality is no longer evident.

With all this diversity of losses, scarcity of specific words, and our tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings, how can we offer solace to someone in grief.  Are there any general rules?  A few.  First, unless you are an expert in this area (and who is?), assume you know nothing.  Let the grieving person teach you.  When you ask, “How are you doing?” be ready to listen to pain.  Second, monitor your own feelings.  If you want the person to “be over it,” notice whether being with them makes you afraid of a similar loss, whether you miss them the way they used to be (have you “lost” them?), whether you are frustrated at your inability to make them “feel better,” etc.  Third, if you want to express caring (with a meal, yardwork, flowers, a phone call, a hug, a card), give of yourself with no strings.  Do not encumber them with your expectations of getting a desired response. Accept them where they are in their grief process.